Number 1

I'm in the most frustrating time in my life; I'm 20 years old and I feel like I should be grown up, but at the same time I still get treated like a child. I want to push the fast forward button so badly, but I can't. I know that this is the awkward in-between time that we all have to figure ourselves out, what we want, and we don't know where we're going. Sure, I'm going to school for court reporting and I know that it's what I'm going to be doing, but where? And with who? And how long will I be doing it? I know, I know I should be taking this one step at a time; focusing on getting through the day; getting through the quarter.

I'm determined now, more than ever, to finish school. Something clicked, and I'm not sure what it was, but it did. It's weird doing it alone. Everyone around me seems to be moving forward with their lives with someone along their side. I'm the complete opposite. I look out for number one, and I will always be in a relationship with myself. Those who come and go out of my life are just chapters; they will all teach me something in one way or another, and lead me in different directions taking me to where I need to go. I've never really put things into perspective as much as I have recently. I know that one day I'm going to look back on this time in my life and think, "Man, that seemed like such a big deal then, but it's funny now!" Or I won't even remember these so-called "difficulties" at all! We tend to get so caught up in social disruptions, but in all actuality, it means nothing compared to whats in store for the future. I will be successful. I'm standing on the edge right now, and my life has yet to begin. When I'm finished with school, and I'm a licensed court reporter, my life will never be the same. I will have my career, stability, and a new life. Sometimes it freaks me out to finish school, because I start to think, "Oh my god, what if I fail? What am I doing? This is so difficult, why am I doing this?" But I've learned that you can't stop living your life just because you're scared. Success takes courage; no one got there by sitting out on the side. I've made that transition in my mind from being completely freaked out, to being utterly anxious and determined to be the best at what I do, and finish as soon as I can. I can't explain the feeling, but I've never been this motivated.

I've read a few "motivational" books here and there, and they all say different things about positive thinking. Some are more for that "Get over it and just fucking do it!!" And others are more sensitive to overanalyzers, such as myself, and really empasize the process you must go through to reach positive thinking. I realized that it doesn't happen overnight. It really takes a routine. You know, set an alarm. Get up in the morning. Go do what you have to do for YOURSELF and no one else. Good people and good things will come to those who are patient and those who care about themselves. If you don't care for yourself, no one else is going to care for you.

I have never felt so in love with myself. I know, that sounds kind of creepy, but it's true. I've been in a relationship with myself for 20 years now. So why would I put my happiness in the hands of others and rely on them to make me satisfied? I can't. That will never happen. Only YOU can control where you go in life. I've decided to make tomorrow (Well I guess it would be today now) a better day, and a new start. I'm done caring about turmoil, and "drama" that is seemingly important now, but in the long run, it is a grain of sand in where my life is headed. So here's to life.. success.. and goooood things happening!